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Thursday, December 21, 2017

Infertility. Part 2.

I actually didn't know if I was going to write a part 2, but I knew after I reread my very scatterbrained, written from my phone, part 1, I had so much more to say. In the most humble way possible, my last post was viewed over 1,000 times. That is actually incredible considering my most-viewed post was called, ironically,  "It's a Boy! (not mine)" that I posted when we found out my best friend was pregnant with her firstborn, and it had around 400 views. This just goes to show that I am not alone in this fight. 
 I was scrolling through my Instagram this morning when a picture came up that caught my eye. It is actually the picture I reused for this blog.  I follow SheReadsTruth, and I try to do a few of their devotionals every now and again. I highly recommend the app to all females. Anyway, I will highlight the verse again that goes with the picture, "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill what He has spoken to her." I immediately started bawling. You see, throughout this whole process, I have stated over and over again about God's timing. I know with my whole heart that God will make me a mother in His time. And without being too obvious, that hasn't happened yet. This has actually tested my faith so much more than I would have thought. I wrestle back and forth with the fact that the God of the universe, who put the world in motion, who has healed the blind, made the lame walk, the dumb speak, brought Lazarus back from the dead has not fulfilled His promise to me. Yet.
I believe with my whole heart His promise. But, that has actually been the hardest part for me. I know that God performs miracles. I believe whole-heartily in the power of prayer. I know we have prayer warriors all around us, lifting us up. And every month, I believe and have faith that God will perform a miracle. And when He doesn't, it literally crushes me. I do not understand. I actually get mad at God. Then the guilt sets in about being mad at God, because deep down I really do trust is His timing. Infertility is tough, folks. 
I came across an Anniversary card I gave Jus this last July. It was tandem bike with some comment about it being perfect for two. I opened the card, and I had written something along the lines of praying this would be our last anniversary as a family of 2. Sometimes, I am not sure why I put myself through this torture, but I'm sure it's the same reason why I keep a box of negative pregnancy tests. (can you say crazy town) But I guess when you want something so badly, you go a little crazy.
I am so, SO ready to kick 2017 to the curb. It can seriously go bye-bye. There were some really wonderful things that happened this year, and I will I'm sure post about that at a later time. I am still grateful for the life Jus and I have created for ourselves, but I know none of what he have, or have done would be possible but by the grace of God. 
Thank you all for your support, love, prayers, and hugs during this time. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your awareness, privacy, yet love we feel. We truly have the best friends and family in the world.
Merry Christmas. 

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Infertility. Part 1.


Infertility: Not getting pregnant despite having carefully timed, unprotected sex for one year.
(Yes, I said the S word)
I can’t begin to explain to you how hard it is for me type that word. Infertility. I never thought that a healthy 28 and 30 year old, would be having conversations with our doctors about next steps we need to be taking to grow our family. But here we are.
After making my Mother’s Day post this past May, I got such an outpouring from women who were going through similar struggles, or went through similar struggles as infertility brings. Women who maybe have never shared their stories before, shared them with me, and I cherish the vulnerability that we shared together in telling pieces of our stories. Maybe this post will allow others to feel as not alone as the last one did.
This year and a half has been the most emotionally draining, never-ending rollercoaster I have ever been on. Some days you have hope, faith, and happiness. And then comes the guilt, the doubt, and the anger. Being constantly let down. You don’t understand why. You don’t understand why other people have no problem (in your mind) having kids, and you’re having such a hard time. And your favorite: the accident. Oh, we got pregnant on accident! We weren’t even trying! Please. Just. Be. Quiet. 
I’ve really struggled with true joy in my life during this time. The numbness you feel never seems to go away. One minute you’re laughing, and then the sadness comes out of nowhere. The corners of your smile disappear, and the thoughts in your head, you’d never share with anyone. You’re not quite sure who you are anymore because you’ve made all these plans for a baby that hasn’t come yet. You try to make “future” plans to go places, attend weddings, girl trips...etc, but deep down you hope and pray you can’t go because you have a brand new baby. How do you plan for the future, when you have no idea what the future looks like?

I never thought God’s timing would take so long, but I also know the work that He has been doing in our lives during this time. Jus and I can’t wait to be parents. However long, or how it might be, we know that God is preparing our hearts for the someday we get to hold a sweet little one with the last name Ahrens.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Egypt (2010)

Justin and I went to Egypt in December of 2010. He had just proposed, and his Christmas present to me (besides a ring, hello) was a trip to Egypt. Oh, life abroad. 

This was our first international travel together, besides me visiting him in Abu Dhabi, and we could not have been more excited to go on this adventure! They always say if you can travel with your significant other, you can get through anything, and we were about to find out if we could make it out alive (from killing each other, of course). 

We arrived in Alexandria, Egypt on Christmas Day, and had to take a 3 hour train ride to Cairo. Once we got to our hostel, after riding in the sketchiest cab I have ever seen, it was time to get some rest for the long day ahead the following day. We woke up early and had a sweet little breakfast waiting for us of croissants with jam and some hard boiled eggs. I remember our hosts being so sweet to us and always checking to make sure our stay was comfortable. Justin had a tour guide scheduled for us for the day, and he came to pick us up from our hostel. 

When I thought about going to the pyramids, I thought there would be a grand entrance made of gold with gates that opened and it would be this magnificent site. I mean, it is one of the most well-known wonders of the world. We drove for about 30 minutes through the craziest traffic I have ever been apart of. There were no road lines, order, or thought process when it came to driving. You just honked your horn and went where you needed to. I'm pretty sure I closed my eyes a few times in fear of my life. All of a sudden there was this big tan wall in front of us. Our guide says,  "Look, there are the pyramids!". I could literally see it from the road we were on! We were surrounded by garbage and everything was very dirty. I was really surprised that such a beautiful, historic monument did not seem to be very well taken care of. 

Once we got out of the car we came upon some guys with camels. Our tour guide told us that we would need to ride a camel through the desert because it was quite a long tour and walking would not suffice. I mean how could we argue riding camels up to the pyramids!? We hopped on our camels, mine was named banana and she was evil. She kept trying to turn around and bite me the whole trip! She did not like me at all, even though I talked very nicely to her and pet her. How rude.

Once we got into the desert, it was just as I had imagined it, just without the gold gates.  It was seriously one of the coolest experiences I have ever got to be apart of. We got to see The Pyramids of Giza, The Sphinx, and see a couple of tombs as well. Our day was jam packed. I can't wait for you to see the pictures. Just know, they don't even do it justice.

This was our sketchy cab. Looking back on it now, I can't believe Justin left me alone for a picture. Ha!

Banana looking very suspicious as I try to figure out how not to fall.

So happy.

This is just an example of the garbage we saw all throughout the city.

The Pyramids of Giza.

Camel riding expert. Not.

Sportin' my Brandon Roy jersey staring at the Sphinx and Pyramids.

Hubby giving the Sphinx a smooch!

Hope you enjoyed my trip down memory lane, and I hope you are blessed this week!

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Back where I belong.

We moved back home to Oregon on July 4th, 2016. That was the day my heart became complete.
All that I was missing, I had found. All I was hoping for, had now come true. I can feel it when the cool Northern air hits my cheeks. I can feel it when the crisp leaves crunch under my feet. I can feel it in the warm embrace of my family and friends. And that feeling means nothing less, then I'm back where I belong.
This morning, I woke up early and went on a run around our apartment in the cool morning air. Then, I came back and took our pup, Griffey on a walk. Then I drank a delicious chai tea while driving to go watch my best friend's Volleyball team play at a tournament just 30 minutes away from me. Then I came home, to watch football for the rest of the evening with my HHH, cheering on our Ducks. Why am I giving you a play by play of some of my day? Because a year ago, none of those things could've happened. And I have been waiting 6 years to have days like today.
I know with every fiber in my being, I'm back where I belong.