I actually didn't know if I was going to write a part 2, but I knew after I reread my very scatterbrained, written from my phone, part 1, I had so much more to say. In the most humble way possible, my last post was viewed over 1,000 times. That is actually incredible considering my most-viewed post was called, ironically, "It's a Boy! (not mine)" that I posted when we found out my best friend was pregnant with her firstborn, and it had around 400 views. This just goes to show that I am not alone in this fight.
I was scrolling through my Instagram this morning when a picture came up that caught my eye. It is actually the picture I reused for this blog. I follow SheReadsTruth, and I try to do a few of their devotionals every now and again. I highly recommend the app to all females. Anyway, I will highlight the verse again that goes with the picture, "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill what He has spoken to her." I immediately started bawling. You see, throughout this whole process, I have stated over and over again about God's timing. I know with my whole heart that God will make me a mother in His time. And without being too obvious, that hasn't happened yet. This has actually tested my faith so much more than I would have thought. I wrestle back and forth with the fact that the God of the universe, who put the world in motion, who has healed the blind, made the lame walk, the dumb speak, brought Lazarus back from the dead has not fulfilled His promise to me. Yet.
I believe with my whole heart His promise. But, that has actually been the hardest part for me. I know that God performs miracles. I believe whole-heartily in the power of prayer. I know we have prayer warriors all around us, lifting us up. And every month, I believe and have faith that God will perform a miracle. And when He doesn't, it literally crushes me. I do not understand. I actually get mad at God. Then the guilt sets in about being mad at God, because deep down I really do trust is His timing. Infertility is tough, folks.
I came across an Anniversary card I gave Jus this last July. It was tandem bike with some comment about it being perfect for two. I opened the card, and I had written something along the lines of praying this would be our last anniversary as a family of 2. Sometimes, I am not sure why I put myself through this torture, but I'm sure it's the same reason why I keep a box of negative pregnancy tests. (can you say crazy town) But I guess when you want something so badly, you go a little crazy.
I am so, SO ready to kick 2017 to the curb. It can seriously go bye-bye. There were some really wonderful things that happened this year, and I will I'm sure post about that at a later time. I am still grateful for the life Jus and I have created for ourselves, but I know none of what he have, or have done would be possible but by the grace of God.
Thank you all for your support, love, prayers, and hugs during this time. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your awareness, privacy, yet love we feel. We truly have the best friends and family in the world.